Simon Says (2006) Reviews

• It's Raining Pickaxes, Hallellujah!

  Coventry2007-04-09

  Ah finally, here's another absurdly grotesque and over-the-top cheesy gorefest-slasher that could have come straight out of the 1980's, with its demented killer, stereotype characters and downright insane story lines! Many avid fans agree Crispin Glover is a genuine hero of the horror genre, and he obviously experienced the time of his life starring in this unspeakably nasty homage to bad B-movies & backwoods exploitation horror. Me says: Simon Rocks... and so does his equally sick-in-the-head brother Stanley. Glover stars in a double role as the redneck twin brothers Simon & Stanley, terrorizing a van full of empty-headed teenagers on their camping trip in the woods. Whilst enjoying random sex and soft-drugs, drooling Simon sneaks up on the teenagers and kills them – as well as some other unfortunate bystanders –in some of the most ingenious ways you'll ever see! Simon is particularly creative with pickaxes, as he developed several wonderful traps and ambushes all over the woods that mercilessly catapult the rusty weapons in the direction of the victims. Needless to say Simon's macabre games result in a gigantic blood bath, with gory impalement, decapitations and dismemberment. Of course, there absolutely isn't any tension or plot-development and the only story twist that is worth mentioning can easily be guessed long before it's revealed on screen. Crispin Glover (unintentionally?) finds a perfect balance between creepiness and humor. Although constantly exaggerating in performing his odd roles, he somehow occasionally manages to look creepy & menacing nonetheless. Perhaps that's just because he is Crispin Glover and always has this aura of morbidity surrounding him. One moment he's an ultra-creepy maniac who makes eyeless puppets out of his victims, yet the next he's a sneering lunatic who crushes little fluffy dogs with his feet and yells out silly lines like "You forgot to say Simon Says!!". The camping teenagers are your average routine and colorless lambs to the slaughter, including the pot-head, the muscled macho, the bimbo (who's likely to get topless at some point in the movie), the girl who always complains and the one remotely intelligent & likable chick who will presumably survive the massacre. Textbook slasher-fodder, but I couldn't possibly care less because "Simon Says" is a highly welcome return to the outlandish splatter fun of the 80's. Even the whole clichéd "family reunion" sequence near the end of the film immediately reminded me off several titles on my endless list of 80's favorites. I personally guarantee "Simon Says" is the ideal midnight-movie crowd pleaser, terrific entertainment to watch with a bunch of buddies.

• The welcome return of the fun gore-fest! See it in a full theater for maximum effect!

  wes-1152006-09-26

  EDIT: I just heard today (9/27/06) that Simon Says does not currently have a theatrical distributor. SAY IT ISN'T SO! It would be a travesty for this film to go straight-to-video, since it is best enjoyed in a theater environment with a large group of folks with whom to share the experience. I saw this VERY FUN and gory movie last night at a preview screening at Austin's Fantastic Fest with a full auditorium of horror movie freaks. We had a GREAT time hooting and hollering at all the splattery fun. Simon Says stars Crispin Glover as twins with a HEAVY Southern accent (think Sheriff J. W. Pepper in "Live And Let Die"). Crispin's performance, while creepy, unique, and striking - as is his wont - is flawed in the over-emphasis of his slack-jawed accent. But it does give his character some...ummm...character. The plot is a slasher involving (among others) 5 college students who stumble across Glover's neck of the woods whilst seeking the typical river-side debauchery in the wilderness. This is a funny movie. Usually intentionally so, sometimes not...however, the greatest thing about this movie is the kills. Nearly every kill involves the prodigious use of one, two, or even as much as twenty pick-axes. The most awesome one being the very first camper to get caught in the woods. We see her later on in a deliciously twisted reveal that had us absolutely ROARING! The entire auditorium busted a gut at how that one ended up. The rest were quite entertaining and creative as well. So, check it out in the theater and have some fun with it.

• Crispin Glover really cuts loose in this entertaining slasher schlock

  Woodyanders2009-06-23

  You all know the drill. A quintet of college kids -- hunky stud muffin Riff (Artie Baxter), his snippy girlfriend Kate (a perfectly bitchy Margo Harshman), hot vampy slut Vicky (a deliciously naughty portrayal by Carrie Finklea), amiable stoner Zack (a hilariously goofy Greg Cipes), and naive goody-goody two shoes Ashley (Kelly Vitz) -- go camping in a remote neck of the woods. Since the kids smoke pot and make out, clearly they are destined to meet gruesome untimely ends. Of course, they run afoul of crazed hillbilly psycho Stanley and his dim-witted brother Simon. Writer/director William Dear relates the story at a steady pace, really pours on the over-the-top splatter with the amusingly outrageous and imaginative murder set pieces (grisly highlights include one victim being turned in a human CD player, some wicked pick-ax mayhem, and Zack being turned into a giant reefer), and further spices things up with a delightfully twisted sense of pitch-black gallows humor (Stanley's elaborate Rube Goldberg-style deadly contraptions are very funny in an admittedly sick sort of way). Best of all, the one and only Crispin Glover has himself a field day in the juicy dual role of Simon and Stanley: Sporting a strange voice that alternates between a shrill whine and an overripe Southern accent, doing all these twitchy mannerisms with histrionic abandon, making all these groaningly cruddy Simon says puns, and even stomping on a cute little poodle in one particularly great scene, Glover is a total wacky hoot to watch. Both Bryan Greenberg's slick cinematography, Ludek Drizhal's shuddery, spirited score, and the pleasingly grim ending are all up to par as well, but it's Glover's marvelously manic and unrestrained eye-rolling hambone acting which gives this flick an extra nutty edge. Good, cheesy fun.

• Interesting for the genre lovers, skip otherwise

  rust372007-07-07

  To make a long story short: it's not scary, and is poor in every aspect - script, camera, directing, acting.. Moreover it tries (poorly again) to be a grotesque in a way of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre II. So Simon says: "Do not watch this movie". Good news is that it has got a spark of creativity, i.e. some of the scenes/effects were way beyond my expectation like one with a dog, and with flying blonde. Brutal, cold blooded, blunt, not too detailed - right to what it should be. Well, simply avoid this Simon unless you are a horror fan with some exploratory streak.

• Another Absurd and Stupid Slasher

  claudio_carvalho2010-06-13

  The pothead Zack (Greg Cipes); the sweethearts Kate (Margo Harshman) and Riff (Artie Baxter); the slut Vicky (Carrie Finklea); and the spoiled Ashley (Kelly Vitz) travel by van to the backwoods to camp. They meet two strange graveyard diggers that advise them to leave the place otherwise they could be murdered. Then they meet the deranged retarded Simon (Crispin Glover) in the gas station and Riff has a friction with the guy. They find a paradisiac spot to camp at the riverside, but Simon and Stanley transform their holiday in a nightmarish night. "Simon Says" is another absurd and stupid slasher that follows the style of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Wrong Turn" and other films of this sub-genre of horror. Crispin Glover performs an annoying character that keeps saying "and you forgot to say…Simon says" (even in the end of the credits). But the most irritating in this story is the ability and invulnerability of his undestroyable character. My vote is three. Title (Brazil): "Siga o Mestre" ("Follow the Master")